College of Wooster, in rural Ohio, has an opening for an assistant professor. We will only consider applications from ivy-league Ph.D.s who will contribute to our elite aura (which is all we have going for us anyway) and who will leave within three years. Teaching load is 5/5. Preference given to those with no teaching experience whatsoever. We are especially interested in candidates who held research fellowships and didn’t have to even TA while they were in graduate school. Research productivity in new hires is discouraged as anti-collegial and will count against you for tenure.